……..I initially wrote about my first day at City College, but after receiving my peers’ feedback I realized that I had failed to convey a “narrative” that incorporates the different aspects of a plot (conflict, rising action, resolution, etc.) I went back to the drawing board and brainstormed of something else: a tragedy. It basically revolved around two lovers, Ralph and Benazir, and how they needed the help of Ralph’s disgruntled father, who actually loved his son, but put him through an unreasonable ordeal. I was inspired to have a romantic vibe to my narrative after reading one of my peer’s papers, who wrote about how a man was able to win the heart of a Middle Eastern princess. My intention was to convey a dramatic build up with vivid imagery, which was a difficult thing to do.

……One of the many things that I changed was the intensity of the characters. For example, in the original piece the father appeared as a radical WASP, so I made him a normal white father instead. I am hope this lessens the seriousness of the story and brings it to a more realistic level.  I also noticed that I didn’t let Benazir talk much throughout the course of the story. This may have seemed that I was trying to subjugate her, which was not my intention. To fix this, I added more dialogue where it was necessary. For example, when Ralph and Benazir were in the room together, I gave her the chance to share her thoughts.The major change I tried to make was conveying Ralph’s outrage towards the end. Instead of just blindly following his father’s orders, he rebelled against him and finally expressed how he truly felt. As a result, I also changed the ending again. This time I made it so that the father and son reunite, which I should have done from the get go.

……Besides the content, I also fixed the grammar mistakes. For example, in one sentence I said, “Two years later, out of the blue, Ralph visited his father with Benazir, this time he brought his 18-month old son, Cyrus.” There was a comma spice between “Benazir” and “this.” I wrote instead, ” Two years later, out of the blue, Ralph visited his father with Benazir and this time they brought their 18-month old son, Cyrus.”